Jokes
If your think you have a great joke, let us know it. We will post it on this page, then if it's good enough to be used in a show, you'll be contacted for your address and get a free calendar sent to you! So send us your joke today.
So...the other day, my girlfriends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club". One of my friends wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "male dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 bill and pasted it onto his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill, she calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and pastes it onto his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again pastes it. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? So, I got out my wallet, thought for a minute...and then the practical woman in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.
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Commonly asked questions about men...
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Q: Why are men such jerks?
A: It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter than a female? (Hint: It's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to put up with)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood
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Q: Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A: We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and
make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
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Q: Why do men always say such stupid things?
A: We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our
partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
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Q: Why do men have to act like such retards?
A: Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well
done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
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Q: Why can't men just share their feelings?
A: Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to
understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a
brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to
figure out how I feel.
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Q: Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
A: Please... How many hours do you think there is in
a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides a woman) can stand lying around for hours on end? "We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest..." Now, sitting on our asses for hours on end... that's a whole different story.
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Q: How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
A: Men have a very powerful set of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enables us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for an extended period of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time, thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers, etc.. ect.. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
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Q: Why can't men just say "I love you?"
A: Men are taught from a tender age to be self-
sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent
to saying that we need you. Most men consider that
a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's
own character faults.
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Q: Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants.
Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
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Q: What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
A:
1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
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Q: Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
A: We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
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Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
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What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting.
It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable
with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of
affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
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Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather.
We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back.
Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things
we have no intention of killing? Err... Buying?
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Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position
of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the
proper position of the toilet seat is a function of
the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting.
The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that
we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all
over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on
it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
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Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside,
blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along
(alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting
things. They don't walk around with the weight of the
world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a
hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh
at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get).
What more could any of us males ask for?
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Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths
of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility
not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only
fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to
arm wrestle for it.
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Why can't men stay on a single channel for more
than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on
the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one
channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear
commitment?)
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Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what
'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's
like an automobile. No matter how good you think
this year's model is, they're always coming out
with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier
models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase
the first one we see. We must browse around a bit
and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a
lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance
of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply
makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the
younger... err... I mean newer models every couple
of years. Some of them come with fun extras like
dual air bags.
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What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready
for a relationship right now" or "I don't want
a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you,
but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
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What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment
is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may
be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
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Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been
passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll
be passed on to our sons.
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Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution,
heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also:
Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial
coordinate motor coordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice...
Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if
men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be
just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed
with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some
people are always going to be left out. I don't see
anyone screaming about equal treatment for the
stupid people either.
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Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like
older men, they're easily impressed. They're also
perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage.
And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
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Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not
strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one
idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other
things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also
get hungry quite often.
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How can men possibly find that other woman attractive
(i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get
the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly
become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this
one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men
are just innocent bystanders in the war of the
selfish genes. You should love us despite our
inherent weakness.
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Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal...
affectionate... and obedient...
END